i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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