what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
