"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
