At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
