So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
