Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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