Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
