I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
