so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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