dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
