Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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