Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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