Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
