i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
