i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
