I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
