and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
