I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
