my phone needs a breathalizer
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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