1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
