mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
