Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
