i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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