I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
