Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
