There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
