I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
