i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
