please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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