I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
