I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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