I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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