Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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