I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
