how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
