he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
