My first STD was from a foam party
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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