this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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