Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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