ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
