Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
