Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
