god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
