You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
