Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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