Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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