Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
