I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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