nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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