Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
