I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
