Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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