my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
