After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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