last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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