Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
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