Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
